


strangers in spring (but not strangers at all)

by Anonymous



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, M/M, canonverse soonhoon, just me releasing my snhn feelings.. dont mind if i do, my feelings about haru tour thus far..., yes im on a diet.. its called shipping soonhoon... only crumbs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 19:44:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18430829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Soonyoung just wants to be on Jihoon's Instagram. And maybe he wants some other things, too.





	strangers in spring (but not strangers at all)

It’s two in the morning and it’s stuffy in the little inn staff rented out for them to celebrate the first part of the tour over with. Soonyoung is on a barstool laughing at Jeonghan and Seokmin bickering and it’s not an unfamiliar setting. Someone always gets a bit too drunk and things get too funny and Soonyoung in his tired, post-concert hazy state, leans on the palm of his hand and smiles.

Seungkwan comes back with an extra beer for Seokmin and now it's them arguing about who can finish the whole bottle first and Jeonghan takes the opportunity to lean towards Soonyoung on their little bar table.

“Who are you looking for?” Jeonghan asks quietly and Soonyoung blinks back in surprise, Jeonghan suddenly too close. He didn’t even realize he was looking for anyone… 

Ah.

Who is he kidding?

As if after all these years he is still surprised when his gaze searches for a certain boy on its own accord.

“Nobody,” Soonyoung slurs anyway. Because it’s easier. It’s easier not to explain. To continue without explaining.

“He’s with Seungcheol and Wonwoo,” Jeonghan smiles knowingly and nudges his head to the left. “Over there.” 

Involuntarily, Soonyoung’s eyes follow and he sees the three of them sitting in a circle, all on their phone, competing at some mobile game while Vernon watches on over Jihoon’s shoulder.

“Hmm,” Soonyoung looks back at Jeonghan as if he really wasn’t curious at all. “Cool,” he says dumbly and Jeonghan smile widens.

“You’re cute Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung smiles back, cutely. “Thanks hyung.”

“When’s the last time you talked to him?”

“This morning.”

“When’s the last time you _really_ talked to him?" 

Soonyoung’s smile falters, this conversation sobering him up at an annoying rate. Soonyoung takes a sip of whatever of the beer he has left. “This morning,” he repeats but Jeonghan doesn’t look convinced.

“Well talk to him better.”

“I’m the one who told him to upload that picture with you," he says instead.

Jeonghan seems surprised at that. “Really?”

“It wasn’t hard to convince him,” Soonyoung sighs laying his forehead onto his arms on the table. He feels a pat on his back before Jeonghan gets distracted trying to stop Seokmin and Seungkwan from doing anything stupid.

Really him and Jihoon? A talk? Do they really need one? Would things really change...

That morning, Jihoon knocked on his room at eight to drag him to the gym then while stretching bugged him about which picture to post on his Instagram and then left to have breakfast with some other members while Soonyoung went to shower. It's not like Jihoon didn't invite Soonyoung to come eat with him but frankly Soonyoung couldn’t take it anymore. 

The tugging.

The pushing.

Dragging him to the gym at the crack of dawn but not sparing him a glance when anyone else is around. Soonyoung lifts his head to stare at Jihoon across the room. _At least put me on your Instagram, asshole._

Jihoon must sense him staring because he looks up to meet his eyes and Soonyoung drops his head back onto his arms again.

 _Asshole_ , he thinks again. Why does he feel like crying? That’s all Jihoon makes him feel these days, and it’s hard to lift weights and want to cry at the same time... Everything hurts as it is.

He pushes himself up all of a sudden and takes a big dramatic breath making Jeonghan, Seokmin, and Seungkwan stop their bickering to look at him.

“I’m going back to the hotel,” Soonyoung announces getting up too quickly. The rush of it has him holding on to the table, as his visions clouds with darkness.

“You can’t go on your own,” Seungkwan points out.

“I’ll go with you,” Jeonghan offers but Soonyoung knows he doesn’t want to go yet, not when there’s Seokmin to keep an eye on and before Soonyoung can tell him it’s fine there’s another voice by his side. 

“I’ll go.”

Jihoon. Perfect. Soonyoung can finally see again and now his whole vision is brown and he quickly looks away.

“Let’s go then,” he says simply and doesn’t need to look behind him to know Jihoon is following.

They let a manager know they’re heading to the hotel and it’s just across the street but a security man escorts them there anyway. They’re only fully alone once inside the elevator and Soonyoung stares at the floor even though he knows Jihoon is staring at him.

“Kwon Hoshi,” Jihoon says a little cutely and Soonyoung knows he’s trying to be funny but he's just a little bit not in the mood. “Soonyoung…” Jihoon tries again as the elevator doors open and Soonyoung walks out first. “Soonyoung, come on,” Jihoon attempts a third time and Soonyoung almost laughs. It’s easy to forget how much Jihoon tries to pull him in when Soonyoung feels far away.

Soonyoung reaches his room first, feeling for his hotel key in his back pocket but Jihoon steps in front of the door and stares up at him.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung says simply.

“Soonyoung.”

“I’m tired.”

“Can you tell me what’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Soonyoung meets his eyes finally, Jihoon stares right back at him.

“Do you really not know?”

Jihoon’s mouth hangs open and he looks around the corridor before lowering his voice to answer. “We discussed this.”

“We didn’t discuss anything.” _We never do._

“Can we not talk about it out here?”

“Let’s not talk about it at all.”

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon says again and something in his tone almost desperate… Almost gentle. Soonyoung meets his eyes again.

“Let me go to bed, Jihoon.”

“No.”

Soonyoung actually lets out a laugh at that. “No?”

“Talk to me.”

“ _Now_ you want to talk?” Soonyoung can’t help but sound incredulous.

“Who’s your roommate?”

Soonyoung’s mouth stays open for a moment. He’s really pushing this?

“Minghao.”

“Minghao’s back already, right? Come to my room. Coups-hyung's only coming later,” Jihoon tells him and it’s not a question. Not a request. Not a even suggestion. It’s not a command either, but after a second Soonyoung steps back and lets Jihoon take him to his room down the hall and he hates, _hates_ that every time it’s the same.

Jihoon lets Soonyoung inside first and Soonyoung wordlessly goes to the first bed and sits on it, looking expectantly at Jihoon.  

“I’m not kidding when I said I’m tired,” he says when Jihoon hasn’t said a word in a whole minute either.

“How’s your arm?”

“Did you drag me here for small talk?” Soonyoung bites back and Jihoon’s eyes soften in a way that’s not rare when they’re alone but rare when it’s been this long.

Jeonghan was right earlier. They talk, sure. But they really _don’t_ talk either. They haven’t in a long time. There are too many things under the surface that need talking that neither of them know how to approach. 

Jihoon takes a step closer and Soonyoung simply stares at him and when Jihoon feels a little more confident he takes the last few steps to stand in front of him.

“Show me your arm,” he asks and Soonyoung watches Jihoon for a second before he sighs and unzips his sweater and takes it off. They usually don’t shower right after a con if there’s an after party and sure it’s a little gross to stay in their concert shirt for too long but it’s been years and everyone is used to it so Soonyoung doesn’t feel embarrassed. He _does_ feel embarrassed when Jihoon touches his shoulder, though. Right above the bandages they put that morning not because it’s hurting, not really, but because Soonyoung wants to be careful.

“Does it hurt?” Jihoon asks, fingers cold where they touch his skin. 

“No,” Soonyoung tells him honestly. “Sometimes I feel like it does, but I think it’s in my head.”

Jihoon hand covers his shoulder entirely and Soonyoung’s gaze drops, already knowing where this is going and strangely dreading it. Every time, this is what happens… There’s a rough patch. They don’t know what do. They don’t know how to talk about it. Soonyoung isn’t even sure if they want to. They end up alone. They talk about anything but the actual problem as it hangs like a cloud suspended in the air above them, waiting to be addressed. It never is. Instead there’s a tension and a million words unsaid and a few seconds later, predictably, there are lips on his and Soonyoung closes his eyes because fuck again _, again_ it’s like this. 

The kiss is short and Jihoon’s fingers feel even colder against his skin when he leans away.

He could just let it be, Soonyoung thinks. Jihoon is testing waters as he usually does, waiting for some response from Soonyoung and _fuck_ of course Soonyoung wants this. He wants to tilt his chin up, fingers clasped at the back of Jihoon’s head as he pulls him down and hang off the dangerous edge of not knowing when Coups-hyung will be back. It’ll be easy, like it always is. It’ll feel good, like it always does. It’ll just be them. Without the cameras, without the people around them, without this stupid cloud over them and really is there any talking necessary when their mouths fill the words with other things.

 _Just look up,_ Soonyoung thinks. _Look up at him, he’s waiting._

“It’s unfair, don’t you think?” He says instead and he doesn’t know what the fuck was in that beer because it almost doesn’t feel like himself talking. “To always do this.”

Jihoon’s hand drops from his shoulder and after a moment he steps away.

“You’re right,” he says, voice suddenly cold. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Soonyoung looks up at him in disbelief. “Are you serious?”

“What?” Jihoon looks like a fucking stone. His eyes so expressionless, it’s almost concerning.

“Am I not here to _talk_?”

“You are. I asked about your arm.”

Soonyoung blinks at him dumbly.

“Aren’t you tired of this, Jihoon?” He asks almost exasperatedly.

“Tired of what?”

Soonyoung lets out a breath and hopes it sounds as disappointed as he feels. “You’re ridiculous.”

Jihoon doesn’t reply to that. He probably knows he’s wrong, but has no idea what to say. So Soonyoung helps him.

“I’m _mad_ at you, Jihoon.”

Jihoon stays silent and Soonyoung watches him for any reaction at all, but Jihoon looks frozen.

“Do you even care about what I have to say? Or are you just interested if I’m going to kiss you back tonight?”

Jihoon expression turns almost comical as if he’s shocked at the words. Soonyoung doesn’t blame him. This might be the first time they even mentioned kissing out loud even though it’s been more than a year since their first time. Ridiculous. Stupid. How did Soonyoung end up here? From friends to best friends to whatever they are now. Not here nor there. Somewhere in between. Somewhere where words are never needed, right? When they both want the same thing, there's no need to talk about it. Just stick to the actions. Stick to the routine. It's as easy as that.

“How much longer?” Soonyoung asks, because the shock on Jihoon’s face starts to feel humiliating. They really think they know each other, but it ends up like this. Two strangers who wait for a moment alone to sneak a few kisses, so they can let off some steam and go on with their every day lives until a moment returns when they can do it all again.

But strangers, Soonyoung thinks, he never wanted to be strangers with Jihoon.

“How much longer are we going to do this until we discuss whatever it is that we’re doing?” Soonyoung’s hands are gripping the mattress and Jihoon stands in front of him, unmoving.

“We don’t have to anymore,” Jihoon says in a whisper and Soonyoung looks up at him. He really doesn’t get it, does he? 

“Aren’t you listening? I want to talk about this.”

“What is there to talk about?”

“Aren't you curious about how I feel?” Soonyoung asks, eyes boring into him and Jihoon swallows. "Isn't that why you called me here?" He knows his voice is shaking, but he tries hard to be calm. Nobody enjoys Soonyoung when he falls into his temper. Jihoon doesn't respond but he keeps watching him. 

“I hate it… I _hate_ it when you treat me like a stranger, Jihoon,” Soonyoung speaks first because clearly Jihoon won’t be fucking saying anything. “I hate feeling like I don’t matter to you. And I know… I know it’s your weird way of protecting yourself or me or us even though we never even fucking discussed if there’s an us,” Soonyoung isn’t meeting his eyes anymore, staring at the corner of the room instead. Or at least he thinks he is, his vision is blurred. “And I know you want it simple, you always have, but really? What am I supposed to feel when I’m your best friend one moment, a stranger another, and then you drag me to your room once in a blue moon so I can be your lover, too.”

“You make it sound like I’m forcing it on you,” Jihoon says finally, voice strained, like he’s also trying to keep himself together. 

“I didn’t say that. I want it all as much as you do,” Soonyoung says, looking up at Jihoon again. “I just hate so much of it too.”

“There’s nothing we can do... It has to be like this.” 

“Does it?” Jihoon stares back, wordless. “Do you have to ignore me? Pretend you dislike me? Don’t you think it makes us look even worse?”

“I think it helps.”

“What am I to you, Jihoon?” Soonyoung asks, all of a sudden. Because he’s curious and he wants to know. He needs to.

It’s a long minute before Jihoon answers. “I don’t know,” he says in a whisper and Soonyoung tries not to let him see how his chest deflates… And not in a good way. Jihoon seems to catch that because he steps forward, almost desperate. “I don’t know and I do know and it’s impossible to explain…” He starts saying all in one go and Soonyoung holds his breath, afraid to disturb whatever train of thought he’s witnessing. If it’ll disappear into the horizon before he’ll hear it all. “You know what I mean right? When you make me laugh I feel like my heart will explode and I want you near me all the time but looking at you… It’s like I can see the way I look at you and I am suddenly aware that everyone can see it too and I can’t… I can’t let myself be seen that way. You understand that right? We can’t be seen that way, but-" he pauses, taking a breath, like he's collecting words and Soonyoung stares at him wide eyed and expecting, latching onto every word and it’s almost scary how all of it resembles exactly how he feels. "But you always, _always_ pull me towards you anyway. All the time. So I ignore you a little, is it so bad? To protect whatever this is. Whatever we can be when it’s just you and me…” He meets Soonyoung’s eyes almost pleading. “I’m not doing it to hurt you.”

“I know,” Soonyoung says. Because he does know and he truly understands every word. “I know… I know that and yet…” He watches Jihoon watching him back with desperate eyes that he can’t help but smile. “Can you come here?” He asks and Jihoon closes his mouth before he takes the few steps towards him and sits on the bed by his side.

“When was the first time you wanted to kiss me?” Soonyoung asks.

“I don’t know. You kissed me first and since then it’s all I wanted,” he whispers and Soonyoung lays his hand palm up on his thigh, as an offer and careful not scare him away.

“For me it’s when you showed me your first song,” Soonyoung says quietly. “I saw the light in your eyes and I was greedy even back then. I wanted you to look that happy only because of me.” 

“Well I did write the song because of you.”

Soonyoung smiles, but ignores that for now. “And when you couldn’t write Thanks and I saw you almost broken and afraid and it was another urge you know? To take that pain away from you. I was greedy again, I thought I was good enough to make it all better.”

“You were,” Jihoon whispers, taking Soonyoung’s hand and Soonyoung can't help but think it’s weird how just a year ago Jihoon's hand was delicate, but now it looked bigger than his, swallowing it whole. 

“I know… I know there’s something to protect here,” Soonyoung’s voice is quiet because this moment feels fragile and he’s afraid if he’s too loud it’ll fall apart. “But I do wish you didn’t want it hidden so bad.” He can sense Jihoon is about to protest so he squeezes his hand and keeps talking. “You know it’s not too weird? If we fool around on stage like everybody else does. If we look at each other for more than a second and get just a little touchy. If we don’t talk about anything ever, it just looks strange. If we don’t even discuss that we’re something more… It looks even stranger.”

Jihoon is quiet for a moment. “Then what should we do?”

“Be more comfortable around each other.”

“I feel very comfortable with you,” Jihoon says quietly and it’s so cute Soonyoung feels his heart twist in the most pleasant way.

“But on camera?”

Jihoon looks up at him briefly, and then back at their hands. “We’ve never been like that.” 

“We’ve been more than how we are now.” 

Jihoon swallows. “But we might be better now.”

Soonyoung hums, smiling. “Will you put me on your Instagram then?”

Jihoon’s head shoots up. “So it really was about this all along?”

“Like you knew.”

“Jeonghan mentioned it this morning.”

“What?”

“After he saw the post… He said you’ll be jealous.”

“Of course I’m jealous!”

“As if you’d expect me to post anything with you!”

“I don’t,” Soonyoung admits. “Doesn’t mean I don’t want it.”

“Well you’re wasting your time.”

“You’re mean.”

“Photo by Woozi was enough for the year.”

“Our fans won’t think so.”

“Our fans aren’t part of this relationship,” the word dies on the last syllable but it was still said and Soonyoung smiles widely at him.

“Relationship… Is that what we have?”

“Nothing like a typical relationship, of course,” Jihoon says quickly. “But it is one of sorts, isn’t it?”

“Doesn’t matter what we are really,” Soonyoung says after a sigh. “But if we’re talking, then I don’t mind whatever this is.”

“We always talk,” Jihoon says but he’s leaning closer and Soonyoung can feel him smiling against his good shoulder.

“Not about important things.”

“Now we’ll talk about all sorts of things,” he says against his skin. “I promise.”

“And maybe one day you’ll even put me on your Instagram.”

“You wish.”

“I really do.” He turns his head to look at Jihoon who is smiling, just a breath off from his skin and it’s cute beyond words and it’s precious and maybe part of Soonyoung understands why Jihoon seeks to protect this. “You better be even nicer to me,” Soonyoung pouts and Jihoon leans forward, their noses brushing.

“Why?”

“Sometimes it really does feel like you hate me.”

Jihoon’s forehead presses against his. “I don’t.”

“Okay.”

“I promise,” Jihoon assures him.

“You know what would convince me? If you upload a photo of me on your In-“ Jihoon kisses him before he can finish the sentence and it’s not just a small kiss like before, but more enthusiastic right away. More urgent. More happy. More comfortable. And they’re both smiling when Jihoon leans away.

“In your dreams,” Jihoon says hot against his lips.

And well, if the price of his dreams is this then maybe… Just maybe his dreams have already come true.

 

 

 

 


End file.
